Joining a gym … is kinda like joining the circus



This week, I joined a gym. The last time I stepped foot inside a gym-type facility was 2000 … and that was the recreation center at BGSU – which has since been replaced, but that’s beside the point.
Anyways, on Oct. 31, Jazzercise – a combo of aerobic dance and strength training – closed its doors in North Ridgeville. I Jazzercised on and off since 2004, so to say I was heartbroken and sad is/and was an understatement.
But, I had to move forward. I am not one to sit back and accept change. I have to adapt. Therefore, I joined a gym only 5 miles from my house.
This gym has it all – a field house, weight room and swimming pool. And, it’s closer to my house and cheaper! It’s as if God was telling me, “Melissa, JOIN Splash Zone!”
So … I did.
But let me tell you … I was not prepared for gym “etiquette.”
Walking into the locker room was pretty much a shock – and I felt like a dirty, middle-aged lady. I was avoiding boobs, skin and “other places” like I was in the Secret Service. I wish I had blinders on. I kinda wish I was blind too.
I am sorry, I know I have given birth to three kids – in fact, the last duo were born in the middle of the hottest summer EVER and I was “this close” delivering them without any clothes on to the point that as I laid on the delivery table, I tried to rip my gown off my body while pushing a kid out.
ANYWAYS, the point is, I have bared my body in all its awesome glory, but it was for a purpose – I was delivering kids.
BUT, these women, no they are not delivering kids … therefore, I cannot fathom the reason they feel it necessary to wrap a towel that doesn’t fit around their bodies and walk around a locker room showing me their goodies.
However, let’s move on …
Let’s talk about the weight room. There are probably 50 machines in that room and I know how to use … not a single one. But I have mastered the “Watch and Learn” method … this is where gym members three times my age know how to use these machines better than I ever will because they are using them to improve their legs after hip and knee replacements. Do you know what I do while in the weight room? I watch the Body Replacements use the machines and then I mimic what they do! How sad?!
In the field house, where there is a walking track, I wasn’t sure what lane to walk in, so I picked the vacant one. Walking is so boring and it’s so quiet in this field house, that I have decided to implement my love of Jazzercise while I walk … so for all of you seeing me move my arms and pretending I am dancing, that is actually what I am doing … think of it as your entertainment while you walk the boring-ass track. You are welcome.
Let’s move on to the POOL. Dear Lord! I actually had to buy a pair of non-fog swimming goggles because otherwise, I would look like an alcoholic with blood-shot/chlorine-doused eyes after my lap-swim. And, I bought a swim cap for the same reason. But then you know what I realized … I can see EVERYTHING when I wear goggles … EEK! Also, do you know how winded I get only swimming a half-mile in the pool? The other day I took a breath of air under water, therefore, I drank the pool. Try recovering from that when there are six other people swimming in lanes and doing it gracefully! I just decided to swim the breast stroke. Either way, it was gross
So, yes, after Jazzercising forever, I now hold a gym membership despite the fact I have no idea what “gym etiquette” really is because I am still stuck in “Jazzercise mode” where we yell, scream and in other words … had fun!


About Parenthood: The New Crazy Train

Parenthood is no easy task, and there is no reason to go at it alone. So, if you are feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, dump it off, grab a beverage and hop onboard Parenthood: The New Crazy Train -- where we are all permanent riders and new riders are welcomed daily. Follow me on Facebook at: Twitter @train_crazy *Photo credit Kristin Bauer*
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