IT’S BAAAACCKKKKK … The creepy-ass Elf on the Shelf.
I was really, really hoping this stupid holiday fad would have faded by now, but no, according to my Facebook feed, it’s alive, well and fucking thriving.
It’s no secret that I hate The Elf on the Shelf. It’s creepy. Maybe if it were a snowman, an angel or a snowflake, I wouldn’t have this hatred for this creature that lives on shelves, ledges, fireplace mantels and countertops all across America during the month of December.
Come on folks … I know you are out there, wanting to know where my Christmas spirit is and why I hate the Elf on the Shelf.
It’s simple really – December is already bat-shit crazy with family gatherings; decorating; wrapping; shopping; and getting ready for the 15 minutes of awesomeness on Christmas morning. BUT then some idiot had the balls to create a creepy-ass plastic (or is it plush?) toy that has to be moved every single day. Because, if parents don’t move it, something is VERY wrong with either Jasper, Red or Candycane. And, if your kids are like my kids, you will have to take your Elf on the Shelf to the nearest Santa to have it checked. Elf on the Shelf CANNOT BE SICK. There is no time for that in December.
On top of it moving from place to place, it must find itself in some sort of shenanigan – like dumping flour on the kitchen countertop to make an angel. Or, hang from a chandelier. Or, my favorite … leaving a trail of poop on the kitchen table (YES, I know it’s just chocolate kisses …).
Who in the hell has time to move the elf; conjure up ways to make it misbehave (because my kids do that on their own); and then, clean up the mess created by the plastic toy with two creepy-ass eyes that never-ever move?
For all of you out there who have bought into the Elf on The Shelf fad – you are all my heroes. (Although, you did spend almost $30 on a stupid toy …)
That’s it. That’s all I got right now …
Because I have to go move my own version of “Elf on the Shelf” – a snowman that I purchased for a mere $1 that the twins call … wait for it … SNOWFLAKE.
And sadly, this snowman moves around the house too … dumping toys, playing in the Christmas tree and in other words, causing my life to be a living hell during what is supposed to be the merriest season of the year.
Is it January yet? I’m ready for New Year’s Resolutions.