Hell is indeed freezing over

snow flake

Parents from the Midwest to the East Coast are currently at the threshold of hell.

And it’s all thanks to Mother Nature and Old Man Winter. I think they are having one hell of a fight over something because according to Time Magazine, a “BOMB CYCLONE” has formed off the East Cast that “could bring the coldest temperatures in 100 years.”

According to the article, a bomb cyclone brews over the water where drops in barometric pressure can make it an EXTRA forceful weather event. The article also noted the “storm” could trap the “bone-chilling cold” and put the United States in a deep freeze over the Atlantic coastline.

Really, all they needed to say was “Hell is Close to Freezing Over – Be Prepared/Stock Up on Alcohol and Milk.”

But, meteorologists actually gave this hell-freezing-over a name – “Winter Storm Grayson.”

I used to like the name Grayson, until about two seconds ago.

Grayson has forced schools to close; flights to be either delayed or canceled; and amusement parks in Florida to close.

It’s actually SNOWING in Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. It hasn’t snowed in those states in nearly 30 years! Kids who have never seen snow are now making snow angels and having snow ball fights according to Twitter.

Do you know what kids in Ohio are doing today? Well, for starters, they are not in school. Nearly 100 schools have been closed in Northeast Ohio alone.

And while some parents are absolutely thrilled with the extended winter break, I am “this close” to hiding in a closet with my Kindle and “share-size” bag of Skittles that I found in my pantry. I don’t even care how long they have been there because as the day goes on, I plan on dropping a few into a wine glass to give my Pinot Grigio an extra KICK.

The last time my kids stepped foot inside a classroom was Dec. 20. It’s now Jan. 4. You do the math.

All I know, it feels like it has been forever-and-a-day since they have opened a text book.

Currently, my near 15-year-old is still sleeping; and he’ll be that way until I go into his room, turn on the light and unleash the hounds known as the twins in his room. The twins are playing a new version of “hide-and-seek” using their cell phones. They are using the GPS-type function to locate each other within the 2,400-square-foot house that as the week has dragged on really feels like a 400-square-foot studio apartment. The good news, we have already taken down Christmas inside the house (so, it’s slightly less cluttered), but as a friend of mine said, taking down the lights and decorations outside, well, that probably won’t be happening until JUNE at this rate.

And to everyone telling me to “take them someplace FUN” – It’s OHIO. There is nothing to do here. And even if I opted to take them to one of those indoor trampoline parks, I am THAT mother who will indeed turn into a HELICOPTER PARENT because I can honestly close my eyes and visualize one of my kids landing on a trampoline the wrong way and breaking an arm or a leg. Which would end up costing me an arm and a leg at the ER. I don’t even watch when my kids ride bikes. I am that crazy – but at least I can admit it.

And I can’t send them outside because it’s so damn cold that their snot would freeze inside their nose. (That was my husband’s idea – and he also wanted them to shovel and chisel the driveway, but only if I put the space heater on in the garage where they could go and warm their hands when needed. Yeah, OK … that sounds like a wonderful idea!)

Sure, I could take them to see a movie, but we can do that here IN the house and save myself $50 in snack food money. Plus, I also need gas in my van and there is no way in hell I am standing at the pump to even insert my credit card into the machine, let alone pump the gas.

So, I’m at a stand-still … a holding-pattern if you will … of just sitting in my house while looking out my frosted-over windows at hell literally freezing over outside.





You can blame it on the rain … Cause the rain don’t mind … And the rain don’t care … You got to blame it on something

“Blame in on the Rain” by Milli Vanilli

Everywhere I went yesterday, moms of all kinds had the same expression on their faces … This summer has officially sucked.

Remember the 1990s one-hit wonder by the duo Milli Vanilli “Blame it on the Rain?”

Yeah … that’s it.

Dear Mother Nature – You have officially ruined the summer of 2015. And, if you don’t start providing some sun and a bit of heat, us mothers are going to go ape shit.

Yesterday, at Splash Zone I walked in on a mom yelling at her pre-teen. I didn’t hear the argument, but I heard the words, “Do you want it taken away until THURSDAY NOW?”

Yesterday, at Subway, a stressed out mom was telling her kid to stand in line. He wanted to sit at a table. She then had to tell him “We are NOT eating here! Let’s GO!”

And then, the icing on the cake was provided by a mom at my son’s t-ball game.

She and her two daughters sat next to me on the top bleacher – oh, wait, let me say this, we signed George up for OUTDOOR T-BALL … NONE of the games have been played OUTSIDE. Week after week, Tuesday and Thursday after Tuesday and Thursday, nearly 20 kids ages 7 and under are crammed into a gym to play games. By the end of the “games” half of the kids are bored and sitting on the floor. It’s not as fun playing indoors because you can’t play with grass, flowers or watch squirrels run up a tree. There is no dirt to toss or birds to watch. These poor kids are literally stuck playing t-ball. And they are sick of it.

But anyways, back to the mom and her two daughters … for several minutes, I thought it was my two kids causing ruckus, but then I remembered my oldest is on vacation and my other son was on the “field” so I was wrong. I was only dealing with one kid at the moment while the two next to me smacked each other. Usually this mom brings magazines for her daughters to flip through, but for some reason, she failed to bring “Redbook” and “First.” It was probably a parenting fail she won’t ever make again. The girls continued to whine, yell and smack each other until one smack was a bit “too harsh” and ended in tears.

“Don’t hit her!” the mom told the oldest.

“She did it first!” the girl replied.

“I don’t care. You don’t hit her BACK,” the mom said.

“SHE DID IT FIRST!” the girl said between gritted teeth.

“STOP!” the stressed out mom said in reply.

So you see Mother Nature, I’m not 100 percent sure all of these incidents that took place on July 14 were in correlation to the shit weather we have been experiencing in Ohio, but I’m blaming it the rain and in the end, I am blaming it on YOU.

All us moms, or hell, even parents in general, are asking is for the remainder of the summer to be just that … SUMMER. NOT SPRING OR FALL. Summer. We are craving days spent poolside. We are missing days when the kids can turn on a water hose and just spray each other. We want SUN for crying out loud! So please, we are begging you on our hands and knees … just end the shitty cold, dreary, damp, sunless days and replace them with hot, humid, oppressive heat before it’s too late and we all end up zombies.