Top 10 things you should experience before parenthood

Top 10 things you should experience before parenthood

Parenthood is not a walk in the park. Is it rewarding? Absolutely – especially as your children age and you realize you didn’t scar them for life.

But, before embarking on the longest journey of your life, there are a few things to consider, or experience:

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COMMON CORE MATH

#10: Find a First Grade Math book and start studying it now. Common Core is the worst form of math ever created. Start learning it now, before you have kids. Maybe by the time you child enters first grade, you will understand it enough to form a support group in your kid’s school. You will have a bigger following than the school’s PTA.

#9: Store a container of milk on the kitchen counter. Leave it there for a week. After it’s set out in the heat, open it up and take a whiff. That is will be the same odor you will smell after you realize your kid dropped their sippy cup in the car, and you can’t find it for a week or longer. It will smell like death, and probably, so will your car.

#8: Ask a friend to borrow a bin of Legos. Drop them over your floor. Walk on them without shoes. Walking on Legos is a rite of passage into parenthood. If you can walk over Legos with bare feet and not bat an eyelash, you will survive parenthood.

#7: Borrow a child. Attempt to take a shower or simply go to the bathroom. Listen as that child screams “MOM” or “DAD” 10,000 times in a matter of minutes. That will be how you use the bathroom for the rest of your life. Enjoy showering and peeing in peace now.

#6: Buy stock in the following items: tissues, toilet paper, napkins, Band-Aids, plastic cups, diapers, baby wipes, milk and hot dogs. Those items will magically disappear right before your eyes. And if you think you have “one more gallon of milk stored away” – think again. Eventually, a neighbor may see your FB post about being out of milk … yet again … and they will drive down to give you theirs.

#5: Be prepared to no longer have a social life with friends. Your social life will now consist of playdates, baseball games, softball games, tournaments and birthday parties. The days of making a split decision to grab a nice dinner and movie are gone … at least until you can afford a babysitter and escape for four hours.

#4: Learn how to control your gut instinct to throw up at the first sight of … well, throw up. Kids cannot control their bodily fluids. It doesn’t matter if the trash can is right next to their bed. They will miss and the vomit will end up on their floor. Hold your breath and pray as you are forced to clean up the mess at 2 a.m. (Because that is when kids get sick the most often – in the middle of the night.)

#3: Take a class in negotiation. It doesn’t matter how many children you have … you will be forced to bribe them to do the most mundane activities – like brush their teeth, pee before bed or get dressed.

#2: Take a VACATION with your partner. Once you have children, and you take them with you, it’s no longer a VACATION. It becomes a TRIP.

#1: Before having kids, set your alarm for every three hours. This is how often you will be up once you bring a newborn home – probably less in reality. And you will never get a full night of sleep again.

Melissa Linebrink is an award-winning blogger. Read her blog at http://parenthoodthenewcrazytrain.com. Follow her on Twitter @train_crazy or Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ParenthoodthenewCrazyTrain/

 

 

First family “mini vacation”

ImageThe last time our family went on vacation was 2006.

Yes, six years ago was the last time we, as a family unit, stayed at a place other than our parents house.

The twins weren’t even born yet!

Alas, we decided this would be the ideal year to FINALLY break-away.

So we did.

My family of five, plus one set of grandparents and one cousin caravanned to Oglebay Resort in Wheeling, W. Va. for two nights.

Honestly, I packed the entire house, except for the kitchen sink – but I did take dish soap!

After spending three hours in the van (thank you to whoever invited motion sickness medication and hearing “ARE WE THERE YET?” nearly 50 times from each twin (the older kids traveled with grandpa and grandma – wish I could have been in THAT van!), by the time we reached our destination, the twins were nearly jumping out of their car seats. (YES, we did stop to stretch our legs!)

The scenery was beautiful – rolling hills, flowers galore and wildlife everywhere you looked – including deer that sleep on the side of the road (perhaps the deer in Ohio should take note – these deer DO NOT RUN IN FRONT OF VEHICLES! AMAZING!) and baby raccoons – which are adorable, when mama raccoon isn’t around!

Of course, the kids only cared about two main things – the pool and candy. Both of which they got their fill of within three days.

As a mother, my main concern was “How are the twins going to sleep? They have never slept in a REAL bed before!” – They are still in toddler beds, and will be there until their feet reach over the end of the bed.

But amazingly, they did great! And, no one fell out onto the dirty floor!

The first full-day of our vacation, we were busy from dawn till dusk. And we never stopped except to eat lunch! My favorite photo is of my daughter “putt-putting.” Instead of walking around with us, she sat on a bench with three blue slushes next to her on one side and the golf club and ball on the other. She sat there for nearly 30 minutes (the longest she has ever sat still in her entire life), ankles crossed in pure content, drinking everyone’s slushes.

It was the first time in six years that my husband and I were free from our jobs – no phone calls, no emails, and no computers. We played cards at night. We took walks with each other. We saw our children have a great time – our oldest and his cousin even played “Go Fish!” It was great!

They say that Oglebay Resort is a place where traditions are born … and by golly, I think we may have finally started ours! And while we may not travel to Wheeling every summer, we do know that we have the ability to travel with our children and it can be a fun-filled, memorable event. Because, after all, isn’t that what summer is really about …