Top 10 things you should experience before parenthood

Top 10 things you should experience before parenthood

Parenthood is not a walk in the park. Is it rewarding? Absolutely – especially as your children age and you realize you didn’t scar them for life.

But, before embarking on the longest journey of your life, there are a few things to consider, or experience:

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COMMON CORE MATH

#10: Find a First Grade Math book and start studying it now. Common Core is the worst form of math ever created. Start learning it now, before you have kids. Maybe by the time you child enters first grade, you will understand it enough to form a support group in your kid’s school. You will have a bigger following than the school’s PTA.

#9: Store a container of milk on the kitchen counter. Leave it there for a week. After it’s set out in the heat, open it up and take a whiff. That is will be the same odor you will smell after you realize your kid dropped their sippy cup in the car, and you can’t find it for a week or longer. It will smell like death, and probably, so will your car.

#8: Ask a friend to borrow a bin of Legos. Drop them over your floor. Walk on them without shoes. Walking on Legos is a rite of passage into parenthood. If you can walk over Legos with bare feet and not bat an eyelash, you will survive parenthood.

#7: Borrow a child. Attempt to take a shower or simply go to the bathroom. Listen as that child screams “MOM” or “DAD” 10,000 times in a matter of minutes. That will be how you use the bathroom for the rest of your life. Enjoy showering and peeing in peace now.

#6: Buy stock in the following items: tissues, toilet paper, napkins, Band-Aids, plastic cups, diapers, baby wipes, milk and hot dogs. Those items will magically disappear right before your eyes. And if you think you have “one more gallon of milk stored away” – think again. Eventually, a neighbor may see your FB post about being out of milk … yet again … and they will drive down to give you theirs.

#5: Be prepared to no longer have a social life with friends. Your social life will now consist of playdates, baseball games, softball games, tournaments and birthday parties. The days of making a split decision to grab a nice dinner and movie are gone … at least until you can afford a babysitter and escape for four hours.

#4: Learn how to control your gut instinct to throw up at the first sight of … well, throw up. Kids cannot control their bodily fluids. It doesn’t matter if the trash can is right next to their bed. They will miss and the vomit will end up on their floor. Hold your breath and pray as you are forced to clean up the mess at 2 a.m. (Because that is when kids get sick the most often – in the middle of the night.)

#3: Take a class in negotiation. It doesn’t matter how many children you have … you will be forced to bribe them to do the most mundane activities – like brush their teeth, pee before bed or get dressed.

#2: Take a VACATION with your partner. Once you have children, and you take them with you, it’s no longer a VACATION. It becomes a TRIP.

#1: Before having kids, set your alarm for every three hours. This is how often you will be up once you bring a newborn home – probably less in reality. And you will never get a full night of sleep again.

Melissa Linebrink is an award-winning blogger. Read her blog at http://parenthoodthenewcrazytrain.com. Follow her on Twitter @train_crazy or Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ParenthoodthenewCrazyTrain/

 

 

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Mom is living in a real episode of “Hoarders: Buried Alive”

I love my kids. I hate their hoarding tendencies.

My oldest has pretty much outgrown the desire to keep every little piece of paper.

One down, two to go.

I will never understand the strong attraction to a single piece of paper with single hole-punch punched out. I will never understand the need to keep torn Pokémon cards. I will never understand coveting half-used, half-broken crayons nestled in the bottom of supply boxes.

I don’t get it.

I just threw away three WallyWorld sized bags full of shit that I – and I am not joking – found under the twins bunk beds. I stupidly told them to clean their room yesterday or they were not allowed to have a snack or watch TV before bed. Well, they fooled me!

But, like the good sleuth I am, I found everything this morning – in uncategorized piles under the bed. I pitched it all. I was almost as fast as a shop-vac with the speed at which I grabbed paper, lost-and-forgotten Lego pieces and mini farm animals (sorry Mr. Pig and Mr. Horse – your new house will be the landfill!).

As I sit here writing this, I propped open a paper bag (the kind I ask for at the local supermarket and get the evil stare since I am asking for … gasp … PAPER) for which I had intended to drag around the house with me, tossing any piece of crap that doesn’t belong here. My daughter grabbed it first (only because I decided to blog instead of purge) and is now putting her doll clothes inside of it.

Lucky for me, I have plenty of paper bags to gather trash. Why PAPER you asked? BECAUSE THEY CANNOT SEE THROUGH IT! IF I USE PLASTIC BAGS, I WILL LOSE THIS PURGE BATTLE AND THEY WILL SCREAM, YELL AND GO INTO A FULL BLOWN TANTRUM!

I will not give up this fight against in-home littering.

I will prevail.

I will win.

Because I refuse to live in an episode of “Hoarders:  Buried Alive” any longer.

 

Legos vs. Polly Pocket

One month ago, I thought Legos were the worst toys created.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have stepped on; vacuumed up; or dust-busted the tiny toys. Aside from them taking over a large table in my basement, they have now made their way into my older son’s bedroom, which would be fine if he didn’t have like a bed in his bedroom, which he kinda needs to sleep on.

Another problem I have with Legos is they generally come in SETS to BUILD. That means, LegoMan buys $50 worth or more Lego SETS and spends three hours building said set to then have sit on a dresser collecting inches of dust because …
“MOOOOOOOMMMM … YOU CANNOT MOVEEEEE THAAAT. IF YOUUUUU BREAK THAT YOU HAVE TO PUT IT BACK TO TOGETHERRRRR!!!”

But tonight, I met a girl named “Polly Pocket.”

For those parents who have not entered Polly’s Universe because they either – a. have girls who are too young to care for Polly or b. they have all boys – let me tell you about her.

She is a tiny (not as tiny as a Lego man, but still …), gel-like figurine who is next to impossible to dress. Because of her gel-like body, it takes me 5 minutes to put a pair of pants on, just to have my daughter decide, “NO, I want her to have a skirt!”

Whoever decided Polly outta be gel-like needs to be smacked.

Then, we have her million and one accessories.

Purses; hand-bags; shell make-up “compacts;” microphones; suitcases; hangers (for what?); combs; brushes; and my all-time personal favorite – SHOES!!!

I swear, whoever invited Polly Pocket must have either been a man or a mom pissed off at someone because no woman in their right mind would create a figurine that requires all the effort in the world to put on a pair of pants on a gel-like body.

I better not break a nail on Polly … or she too may end up in the vacuum cleaner or dust-buster.